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Club News

Sep. 19 , 2000

 

Rats place in Kelowna Top 10

Bogus weather bumps boats

Paddlers boycott controversial decision

Rats take hits, hospital takes Rats

Rats Haka scares the pants off the enemy, and garners requests from the crowd

“Ben Hur" Combat Races for Breast Friends

 

Habib: Paddler of the Week

Calgary Magic Dragons forget to remove the keg from their dragon boat; finish out of the top 10

Slutty Rats caught spooning in bed!

Werewolf Rat sighted at Siesta Motel

Sexual Mike from Calgary has revelation

Magic Rat Bus does tortoise impression

 

RATS PLACE IN KELOWNA TOP 10

After two tough 500m heats, our EDBRC River Rats placed 6th out of 98 teams at Kelowna.

 Heat 1 started weak for the Rats, allowing the strong Epic Express from Vancouver to surge ahead at the start.  The Rats paddled furiously, neck-and-neck with the remaining TCC and TD Lightning teams until the halfway mark, where the Rats surged ahead to take a decisive 2:22 second place, a length ahead of the third and fourth teams.  It wasn’t first place, but it was satisfying to quash the loud-mouthed TCC team, and to qualify in the top 10!

 “If we had another 100 metres, we would have caught them!”

-Andy

“Man, that was fast. The finish line buoy appeared out of nowhere”

-Paul

“Did anyone see my martini glass?”

-Dennis

Heat 2 was a bigger battle.  Lining up against the Steam Team from BC Rail, Team Masala, the Tsunami and the Electric Dragons, the Rats bolted right from the first stroke, but so did the other four teams.  It was a dramatic race, neck-and-neck for all five teams until the last 100 m, where the Rats lost timing, and allowed the strong Tsunami and Electric Dragons to gain a quarter-boat length on us.

The final Heat 2 results had the top 3 finishing within 1 second of each other, Rats finishing with a 2:29:84 behind the Electric’s 2:28:98 and the Tsunami’s 2:28:75.

 “F**K!, did we win?”

-Rob

“I dunno! But that sure hurt!”

-Andrew

“Did anyone see my martini shaker?”

-Dennis

The rest of Sunday was a shore-bound disappointment for the Rats  (see Bogus Weather article below).  The top medal honours were eventually taken by the CIBC Imperial Dragons.

 

 

kelowna1.jpg (43727 bytes)

 

(Yes, more photos are being scanned right now.  Check back here in 24 hours to see your smiling face at the Kelowna Festival!)

BOGUS WEATHER BUMPS BOATS

At approximately 2pm on Sunday, the Okanagan Lake spirited a sudden southwest wind, blowing furiously to cause 14 inch waves and whitecaps within a 10 minute span.  This blew the staging boats all over the bay, forcing the race marshalls to cancel Race 55.  It was during this dry galestorm that Rob was injured at the docks.

Lasting for over 70 minutes, the grievous wind shut the entire festival down, grounding the Rats and their race 56 competitors on the beach.

“Why are we waiting?”

-DHF Team

Why are you whining?"

-Stumptown Oregon team

 

DIRECTOR MAKES CONTROVERSIAL DECISION, PADDLERS BOYCOTT IN RESPONSE

As the big wind began to settle, and a small window of calm water appeared, the Race Director decided to shuffle the race shedule.  Hoping to finish the medal-awarded races before the wind returned, the Race Director initially chose to bump the Rats race #56 back, and then later chose to cancel race 56 altogether.

The shore-bound Rats, Epic Express, CVA, Predator Blades, and Draco Sports Club, waiting for three hours on the beach, were indignant at this call, and protests flew.

The Epic Express suggested some novel ideas to settle the deferred race, including arm wrestling and tug o war and a dance competition.  Then they took a look at Dennis, and decided that would not be a good idea.

After waiting over 3 hours to race, the Epic Express, CVA, Predator Blades, and Draco , many of whom had to catch flights back to Vancouver and Calgary, chose to leave without competing, effectively boycotting the final race.

“This is BULLSH*T! We’re never coming back to this kind of festival"

-Epic Express paddler-

“That’s not what dragon boating is about.  We’re here for the spirit and the community and the culture, not because some medal-awarded teams should get priority on the water."

-CVA paddler 

“Edmonton is a better festival… at least you guys treat your dragon boaters with respect.”

-a paddler from Calgary

By default, this left the remaining River Rats in 6th place overall, but the victory was tasteless.  After 4 hours of waiting on the beach, wearing lifejackets and watching other boats race through the wind, the Rats finally chose to leave the site at 5pm.

 

RATS TAKE HITS, HOSPITAL TAKES RATS

Sunday was also a tough day for the Rats injuries, looking more like a CFL third quarter than a dragon boat race

Mr. Rob Borreli, our Marketing Representative, took a blow to his back.  Heroically diving into the water to prevent a wind-blown boat from slamming into the docks, Rob got trapped between the 4200lb loaded boat and the wooden dock.  The heavy mass compressed Rob’s back and bent leg.  Managing to walk it off at first, Rob collapsed into a painful ball on the beach.  Amidst hundreds of onlookers, an Oregon doctor and St. John’s ambulance inspected Rob, and eventually gurneyed him to the local emergency room for X-Rays.  As of this writing, Rob’s injuries do not require him to remain as an inpatient in Kelowna.

“Rob, I get your big screen TV, OK?”

-Brian

“Hey, I feel great!”

-Rob, after several hits of Motrin and codeine

Our other damaged paddler, Michelle M., took some serious torsion to her shoulder joint, and was unable to paddle a third heat on Sunday.  She remained with Rob at the Kelowna emergency room.  Gratefully, her injuries are also minor enough to keep her from the hospital bed. 

“Does anyone have any spare smokes? I'm stressed.”

-Michelle at the hospital

Big cheers for Rob and Michelle, who have displayed the mettle and spirit that River Rats are becoming known for! 

 

HAKA SCARES PANTS OFF THE ENEMY, GARNERS REQUESTS AND CAMERA TIME FROM CROWD 

There were lots of good things about the Kelowna festival, too.  The crowd loved the Rats Maori Haka, and each time the Rats yelled and jumped, the onlookers cheered. 

At one point, the Rats haka literally scared the pants off the Electric Dragons, who pulled down their shorts as an attempted response to our team spirit. 

“It was the only way we could preserve our diginity after your cheer…  you guys were awesome!” 

-an Electric Dragon who displayed his bare ass

 “F*ck, that was really cool” 

-DHFL paddlers

“We want the Rats!  We want the Rats! We want the Rats!” 

-the Warrior team requesting our haka

“Can you guys do that again?  We want some of your energy!” 

-another DHFL paddler 

“Holy Sh*t.” 

-someone in the beer tent 

“Can you do that again for the camera?” 

-News Reporter, CIBC news Kelowna

 

“BEN HUR” COMBAT RACE FOR BREAST FRIENDS

The Breast Friends of Edmonton, sporting three of our paddlers, Cathy Lea, Mary Coutts and Elaine Wannechko,  paddled in some full-contact races!  In two separate heats, the BF were rammed by boats on both sides, forcing re-starts for both heats.

 “Whoa… it’s like ‘Ben Hur’ on the water!”

 -Robin’s Boat Rescue, AB

 “Holy Sh*t”

 -someone in the beer tent

 

CALGARY MAGIC FORGETS TO REMOVE KEG FROM THEIR RACE BOAT 

Our friends and adopted family, the Calgary Magic Dragons, had a tough Sunday.  After a strong Saturday, the Magic Orange were outpulled in race 53. 

“Dammit, Bruce, you were supposed to take this keg out of the back BEFORE the race!” 

-Sexual Mike from Calgary 

“Why is the back half of the boat not paddling?” 

-someone in the beer tent

“Is that a beer tap the steersman is fumbling with?” 

-the race marshall

Calgary Magic Dragons await staging directions

JEDI SHARON AND BITCHIN BRUCE DEFECT TO BACCARAT STROKERS, THEN TO BECOME MAGIC RATS  

Because of Sunday injuries, the River Rats had to turn to the Calgary Orangemen for assistance. 

Rushing to aid the Rats, Sharon “Smelly Rat” Hodgkinson and “Bitchin Bruce” Wright volunteered to fill the empty Rats benches.  As the Rats initiated the two Calgarians into their ranks, the two new Magic Rats also learned about the secret  “Chien rouge” and “14-7-5” start sequences employed by the powerful Rats crew.  Causing distress amongst the tightly-knit Rats members, the talk is to now change the secret Rats methods to a “Pink Daschund” and “12-7-210” paddling sequences.

“Hey, I look better in blue than I do in orange!” 

-"Smelly Rat" Sharon H.

 

I want to be a Magic Rat!

SNORING SPOON RAT CAUGHT SNUGGLING WITH SLUTTY RAT

The night after he heard stories of Ogo Pogo as a fertility god for young men, Snoring Spoon Rat Tom was caught straddling Slutty Rat Jeff in bed later that night. 

It would have been a secret interlude if not for Tom’s loud snoring, which awoke both the Rats in the next bed, and the neighbours next door, who rushed in with video camera in hand. 

“Holy Cow! What is that awful noise? Is that Bigfoot you’ve got in here?”

 -first neighbor in her pyjamas

“Quick, honey, film that!  There… on the bed!  Those two half-naked men spooning each other!!”

-second neighbor in his bathrobe

“Yeah, that guy... of all you Rats, that guy doesn't fit in. He's different somehow...”

-Bruce, pointing at Slutty Rat Jeff in the restaurant

Awaking in a fit of embarassment, Slutty Rat and Spooning Rat cowered into the bathroom, amidst squeals of delight from the cameraman and his wife.

Videos are now available for $19.95

 

WERE-RAT SIGHTED AT SIESTA MOTEL IN KELOWNA  

That same night, there were claims that a werewolf Rat was sighted in the pool at the Kelowna Siesta Motel. 

Amidst more squeals and screams, five motel patrons dictated their statements to the police:

 “Omigod.  It was tall and hairy and it wore a blue jersey!”

-Hotel manager

 “It had hair everywhere!  Sticking out from under its gonch, coming out of its back, growing out of its ears!”

-a Muskrat 

“Geez… I’ve never seen anything like it, except at one circus I went to as a kid.”

-Joanna

"And then I swear, he looked like a regular guy, but wearing a mohair sweater in the pool

-Dennis

CALGARY MAGIC MIKE DISCOVERS THAT HE IS AS SEXY AS HE WILL EVER GET

On a drier note, the Kelowna festival was a revelation for at least one paddler.

Mike (not his real name) discovers, much to his chagrin, that he is never going to be any more sexy than he already is. 

Polling the bus for their thoughts on his sexiness, Mike received all kinds of feedback.” 

“I can see why you never get laid, Mike” 

-a female in orange 

“You’re another reason that I’m not homosexual” 

-Spoon Rat Tom

“How to make you more sexy?  Oh, geez, how long is this bus ride…?” 

­a Muskrat

“Maybe if we all drank some more, you would become sexier” 

-Steve

Sorry, Mike, but if you want to score with women, you’ll have to resort to personality!

 

ALAN’S MAGIC BUS SHOWS AS TORTOISE-MOBILE FOR ALBERTA 

The bus ride was a grievous experience for both the Rats and their companion Magic Dragons. 14 hours there, and 12 hours back. 

Alan, our safety-conscious and non-speedy driver, showed up on Friday morning with a museum artifact called an MCI diesel bus.  

Putting along below the speed limit the entire way, Alan took our two DB teams on a convoluted tour of the City of Calgary, the Okanagan Valley. The City of Kelowna, and the South Side of Edmonton. 

Only through heavy drinking, cat calls from Jeff and Andrew and Robyn  and Katrina, videotapes, and Tamara’s bus flirting, was the long trip made bearable for the 42 paddlers. 

Thanks for getting the teams home safely, Alan!

“Why did we just drive around through that residential neighborhood?” 

-Andrew

“Yay, we passed a truck!” 

-Robyn K.

“Has anyone seen my martini glass?” 

-Dennis

See: Sep. 4 Newsletter
See: Habib: Paddler of the Week

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