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Club News

Sep. 19, 2000

 

RATS PLACE IN KELOWNA TOP 10

BOGUS WEATHER BUMPS BOATS;

HOSPITALS, HAKAS, AND HEDONISM
RATS PLACE IN KELOWNA TOP 10

BOGUS WEATHER BUMPS BOATS

PADDLERS BOYCOTT CONTROVERSIAL RACE DECISION

RATS TAKE HITS, HOSPITAL TAKES RATS

HAKA SCARES PANTS OFF THE ENEMY, GARNERS REQUESTS  FROM CROWD

 “BEN HUR” COMBAT RACE FOR BREAST FRIENDS

CALGARY MAGIC FORGETS TO REMOVE KEG FROM THEIR RACE BOATS

SNORING SPOON RAT CAUGHT SNUGGLING WITH SLUTTY RAT

WERE-RAT SIGHTED AT SIESTA MOTEL IN KELOWNA

 

 

It was a mixed experience for the Rats in Kelowna this Sep 16th  and 17th.  Both good and bad things filled the weekend, turning the top 10 ranking into a bittersweet victory.

 

RATS PLACE IN KELOWNA TOP 10

 After two tough 500m heats, our EDBRC River Rats placed 6th out of 98 teams at Kelowna.

Heat 1 started weak for the Rats, allowing the strong Epic Express from Vancouver to surge ahead at the start. The Rats paddled furiously, neck-and-neck with the remaining TCC and TD Lightning teams until the halfway mark, where the Rats surged ahead to take a decisive 2:22 second place, a length ahead of the third and fourth teams.  It wasn’t first place, but it was satisfying to quash the loud-mouthed TCC team, and to qualify in the top 10!

 

“If we had another 100 metres, we would have caught them!”

“SH%T, we blew the start!”

“Man, that was fast. The finish line buoy appeared out of nowhere”

“Did anyone see my martini glass?”

 

Heat 2 was a bigger battle.  Lining up against the Steam Team from BC Rail, Team Masala, the Tsunami and the Electric Dragons, the Rats bolted right from the first stroke, but so did the other four teams.  It was a dramatic race, neck-and-neck for all five teams until the last 100 m, where the Rats lost timing, and allowed the strong Tsunami and Electric Dragons to gain a quarter-boat length on us.

 

The final Heat 2 results had the top 3 finishing within 1.1 seconds of each other, Rats finishing with a 2:28:84 behind the Electric’s 2:28:98 and the Tsunami’s 2:28:75.

 

“F**K!, did we win?”

“I dunno! But that sure hurt!”

“But our timing was perfect!”

“Did anyone see my martini shaker?”

 

 

The rest of Sunday was a shore-bound disappointment for the Rats  (see Bogus Weather article below).  The top medal honours were eventually taken by the CIBC Imperial Dragons.

 

BOGUS WEATHER BUMPS BOATS

 

At approximately 2pm on Sunday, the Okanagan Lake spirited a sudden southwest wind, blowing furiously to cause 14 inch waves and whitecaps within a 10 minute span.  This blew the staging boats all over the bay, forcing the race marshalls to cancel Race 55.  It was during this dry galestorm that Rob was injured at the docks.

 

Lasting for over 70 minutes, the grievous wind shut the entire festival down, grounding the Rats and their race 56 competitors on the beach.

 

DIRECTOR MAKES CONTROVERSIAL DECISION, PADDLERS BOYCOTT IN RESPONSE

 

As the big wind began to settle, and a small window of calm water appeared, the Race Director decided to shuffle the race shedule.  Hoping to finish the medal-awarded races before the wind returned, the Race Director initially chose to bump the Rats race #56 back, and then later chose to cancel race 56 altogether.

 

The shore-bound Rats, Epic Express, CVA, Predator Blades, and Draco Sports Club, were indignant at this call, and protests flew.

 

The Epic Express suggested some novel ideas to settle the deferred race, including arm wrestling and tug o war and a dance competition.  Then they took a look at Dennis, and decided that would not be a good idea.

 

After waiting over 3 hours to race, the Epic Express, CVA, Predator Blades, and Draco , many of whom had to catch flights back to Vancouver and Calgary, chose to leave without competing, effectively boycotting the final race.

 

“This is BULLSH*T! We’re never coming back to this kind of festival”

 

“That’s not what dragon boating is about.  We’re here for the spirit and the community and the culture, not because some medal-awarded teams should get priority on the water.”

 

“Edmonton is a better festival… at least you guys treat your dragon boaters with respect.”

 

By default, this left the remaining River Rats in 6th place overall, but the victory was tasteless.  After 4 hours of waiting on the beach, wearing lifejackets and watching other boats race through the wind, the Rats finally chose to leave the site at 5pm.

 

 

RATS TAKE HITS, HOSPITAL TAKES RATS

 

Sunday was also a tough day for the Rats injuries, looking more like a CFL third quarter than a dragon boat race


Mr. Rob Borreli, our Marketing Representative, took a blow to his back.  Heroically diving into the water to prevent a wind-blown boat from slamming into the docks, Rob got trapped between the 4200lb loaded boat and the wooden dock.  The heavy mass compressed Rob’s back and bent leg.  Managing to walk it off at first, Rob collapsed into a painful ball on the beach.  Amidst hundreds of onlookers, an Oregon doctor and St. John’s ambulance inspected Rob, and eventually gurneyed him to the local emergency room for X-Rays.  As of this writing, Rob’s injuries do not require him to remain as an inpatient in Kelowna.

 

Our other damaged paddler, Michelle M., took some serious torsion to her shoulder joint, and was unable to paddle a third heat on Sunday.  She remained with Rob at the Kelowna emergency room.  Gratefully, her injuries are also minor enough to keep her from the hospital bed.

 

Big cheers for Rob and Michelle, who have displayed the mettle and spirit that River Rats are becoming known for! 

 

HAKA SCARES PANTS OFF THE ENEMY, GARNERS REQUESTS AND CAMERA TIME FROM CROWD

 

There were lots of good things about the Kelowna festival, too.  The crowd loved the Rats Maori Haka, and each time the Rats yelled and jumped, the onlookers cheered.

 

At one point, the Rats haka literally scared the pants off the Electric Dragons, who pulled down their shorts as an attempted response to our team spirit.

 

“It was the only way we could preserve our diginity after your cheer…  you guys were awesome!”

 

-an Electric Dragon who displayed his ass

 

“F**K, that was really cool”

 

-DHFL paddlers

 

“We want the Rats!  We want the Rats! We want the Rats!”

 

-the Warrior team requesting our haka

 

“Can you guys do that again?  We want some of your energy!”

 

-another DHFL paddler

 

“Holy Sh*t.”

 

-someone in the beer tent

 

“Can you do that again for the camera?”

 

-News Reporter, CIBC news Kelowna

 

 

 “BEN HUR” COMBAT RACE FOR BREAST FRIENDS

 

The Breast Friends of Edmonton, sporting three of our paddlers, Cathy Lea and Mary Coutts and Elaine W.,  paddled in some full-contact races!  In two separate heats, the BF were rammed by boats on both sides, forcing re-starts for both heats.

 

“Whoa… it’s like ‘Ben Hur’ on the water!”

 

-Robin’s Boat Rescue, AB

 

“Holy Sh*t”

 

-someone in the beer tent

 

 

CALGARY MAGIC FORGETS TO REMOVE KEG FROM THEIR RACE BOAT

 

Our friends and adopted family, the Calgary Magic Dragons, had a tough Sunday.  After a strong Saturday, the Magic Orange were outpulled in race 53.

 

“Dammit, Bruce, you were supposed to take this keg out of the back BEFORE the race!”

 

-Sexual Mike from Calgary

 

“Why is the back half of the boat not paddling?”

 

-someone in the beer tent

 

“Is that a beer tap that the steersman is fumbling with?”

 

-the race marshall

 

JEDI SHARON AND BITCHIN BRUCE DEFECT TO BACCARAT STROKERS, THEN TO BECOME MAGIC RATS

 

Because of Sunday injuries, the River Rats had to turn to the Calgary Orangemen for assistance.

 

Rushing to aid the Rats, Sharon “Smelly Rat” Hodgkinson and “Bitchin Bruce” Wright volunteered to fill the empty Rats benches.  As the Rats initiated the two Calgarians into their ranks, the two new Magic Rats also learned about the secret  “Chien rouge” and “14-7-5” start sequences employed by the powerful Rats crew.  Causing distress amongst the tightly-knit Rats members, the talk is to now change the secret Rats methods to a “Pink Daschund” and “12-7-210” paddling sequences.

 

CALGARY MAGIC MIKE DISCOVERS THAT HE IS AS SEXY AS HE WILL EVER GET

 

On a dryland note, the Kelowna festival was a revelation for at least one paddler.

 

Calgary Magic Mike discovers, much to his chagrin, that he is never going to be any more sexy than he already is.

 

Polling the bus for their thoughts on his sexiness, Mike received all kinds of feedback.”

 

“I can see why you never get laid.”

 

-a female in orange

 

“You’re another reason that I’m not homosexual”

 

-Spooning Rat

 

“How to make you more sexy?  Oh, geez, how long is this bus ride…?”

 

­-a Muskrat

 

“Maybe if we all drank some more, you would become sexier”

 

-Steve

 

Sorry, Mike, but if you want to score with women, you’ll have to resort to personality!

 

 

ALAN’S MAGIC BUS SHOWS AS TORTOISE-MOBILE FOR ALBERTA

 

The bus ride was a grievous experience for both the Rats and their companion Magic Dragons. 14 hours there, and 12 hours back.

 

Alan, our safety-conscious and non-speedy driver, showed up on Friday morning with a museum artifact called an MCI diesel bus.

 

Putting along below the speed limit the entire way, Alan took our two DB teams on a convoluted tour of the City of Calgary, the Okanagan Valley. The City of Kelowna, and the South Side of Edmonton.

 

Only through heavy drinking, cat calls from Jeff and Andrew and Robyn  and Katrina, videotapes, and Tamara’s bus flirting, was the long trip made bearable for the 42 paddlers.

 

Thanks for getting the teams home safely, Alan!

 

TAMARA’S MICROWAVE AMORE RADIATES ON STUDLY CALGARIAN

 

Orange Tamara added lots of energy to the trip, ensuring that her flirting energy was not wasted on any single person at first.  Much to the protests of many jealous men, she opted to do 5-minute flirt “intervals”, completing several hours of attentive shmoozing with microwave oven efficiency.

 

Eventually, however, she turned her microwave heat to one particular Calgarian, who basked in her warmth for the remainder of the trip.

 

(sorry, Mike, your Ogo Pogo rituals didn’t increase your sex appeal for Tamara).

 

SNORING SPOONING RAT SEEN SNUGGLING WITH SLUTTY RAT

 

After hearing stories that Ogo Pogo was a fertility god for young men, Snoring Spooning Rat Tom was caught straddling Slutty Rat Jeff in bed later that night.

 

It would have been a secret interlude if not for Tom’s loud snoring, which awoke the Rats in the next bed, and the neighbours next door, who rushed in with video camera in hand.

 

“Holy Cow!  Is that Bigfoot you’ve got in here?”

 

-first neighbor in her pyjamas

“Quick, honey, film that!  There… on the bed!  Those two half-naked men spooning each other!!”

 

-second neighbor in his bathrobe

 

 

Awaking in a fit of embarassment, Slutty Rat and Spooning Rat cowered into the bathroom, amidst squeals of delight from the cameraman and his wife.

 

Videos are now available for $19.95

 

WERE-RAT SIGHTED AT SIESTA MOTEL IN KELOWNA

 

That same night, there were claims that a werewolf Rat was sighted in the pool at the Kelowna Siesta Motel.

 

Amidst more squeals and screams, five motel patrons dictated their statements to the police:

 

“Omigod.  It was tall and hairy and it wore a blue jersey!”

 

“It had hair everywhere!  Sticking out from under its gonch, coming out of its back, growing out of its ears!”

 

“Geez… I’ve never seen anything like it, except at one circus I went to as a kid.”